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Lyudmila Petranovskaya - russian psychologist, teacher and publicist, wrote a book that should be given to every adult. For the future. Because, as Petranovskaya herself says, the children did not obey, violated the rules, fought, spoiled things, did not want to learn, were lazy, lied, ached, ate sweet and boorish adults always, how much does this world cost. This means that no adult will escape the beauty of children's whims and scandals. We publish the most vivid excerpts from the book "If it's hard with a child" by Lyudmila Petranovskaya. Imagine that you are walking along a path over an abyss (and this in a sense is a metaphor for our life in general), and you are insured with a strong rope that is held by a person you absolutely trust on the other side than yourself. This is how the child perceives his attachment to the parent and parent to him. *** Who are we to change the child at will and whim? We do not know how it is conceived, what is the meaning of his life and how, in the future, these or those qualities will help or hinder him. Do not take on the functions of the Creator. Every child is unique. To cut it at will is the same as taking a new interesting book off the shelf, not reading it with enthusiasm, but immediately starting to rule with a red pencil, looking for mistakes and changing the plot. *** No matter how much time and effort you spend, you will not be able to make a hyperactive child calm and balanced, sluggish - efficient, distracted - irreproachably considerate, withdrawn - the soul of the company, sensitive - unflappable. The more you "struggle" with these qualities, the greater the risk of simply neurotizing the child and destroying your relationship, and the uncomfortable behavior for you as a result will only increase. If you abandon attempts to change the basic qualities of the child, its innate characteristics, it becomes possible to formulate the task more modestly: to correct the manifestations of these features so that there are less problems for the child and others. Adapt to the weather. A scattered child will still forget and confuse many things, but it is realistic to get him to stop going to the snow in a school shift in winter or to learn to remember that he has already got water for half an hour in the bath. A hyperactive child is unlikely to be able to sit quietly and quietly at lessons, but to teach him to bring the matter to an end, at least half the time - in reality. Sluggish will not start flying around the apartment, but you can not be late for school every day. The shy does not like to be in the spotlight, but to make a report before the class, without losing a voice and not "falling through the ground", can learn. Overcome the limitations associated with pronounced features of the nervous system, you can, but this task is not simple, it will require the child a lot of mental strength. Which is enough for one condition - if they do not spend money on defense from you. If you yourself begin to formulate the task not as "to force it," but how to "help it." *** In families where requests to the child are always the requests and are accompanied by the words "please", "if it's not difficult for you", "when you will be comfortable", "when you are free", "if you are not very tired" and the like, conflicts and bickering almost never happens. Yes, the child can get carried away and forget, and you will have to remind him. But this is not malicious sabotage, but ordinary child inattention. A frequent case of violation of borders is the requirement to "do immediately". For some reason, it seems to many adults that if a child does not immediately throw everything he has been busy and does not run to fulfill their instructions, this is a sign of disrespect. In fact, it is disrespectful to address a person not with a request, but with an order, not being interested in his plans and desires (exceptions are only emergency situations related to security). *** Try to feel the age of the child, his uniqueness, his charm. He will never be like this now. Sweet Baby. A delicate grasshopper is a five-year plan. Serious first-grader. Full of energy and interest in life for ten years. A teenager, so awkward and so vulnerable. All the same, yours, and completely different at every age. Enjoy. The *** The inconvenient behavior of a child associated with a particular moment (overworked, frightened) or with age (whims of three-year-olds, mood swings and ruffiness of adolescents), it is most reasonable to just wait. Trying to change the behavior of the child, due simply to the age or the moment, is like fighting the snowdrifts in the winter. Of course, you can always sweep the snow off your favorite flower bed. Day after day, without knowing the rest. But is not it easier to wait, when in April all in three days will melt? Nothing happens for no reason. Three years must learn to insist on one's own. And so he will scandal, and be capricious, and say "no" - this is the task of age. A child who has been excited at a child's holiday needs to lose tension in tears or wild running around. Teenagers need to separate themselves from their parents internally, to gain independence of judgments, and therefore one must learn to argue with them and see their imperfection. If we try to change the natural process, we will either fail, or we will break this process and achieve the desired behavior, violating the development of the child. Have you met people who are never able to insist on their own? Always agree with everything, and everyone "drives" on them? Perhaps their parents in their time very "successfully" coped with the vagaries of the three-year plan. So successfully that since then the very word "no" dries to the person to the larynx. *** When he has learned to walk well and everywhere to climb a child uses these skills to its fullest, parents have a cheerful life. Boots lie on the closet so that they are not licked, the scissors are locked, and the cat generally tries to merge with the interior. But would you like, that he did not climb anywhere, did not touch anything, that he sat motionless apathetic kulkom and for an hour held in his hand the toy that he was thrust into? So children sit in the children's homes, growing up without parental love, and this is a rather sad sight. Are you really sure that your fifteen-year-old daughter is more useful to sit in the evenings at home and do homework than "think about the boys"? That is not to learn to communicate, including to establish a distance, to determine the safety and reliability of a partner, to learn to refuse, to resolve situations of rivalry, etc. With what it will come to life after the successful passing of the Unified State Examination, that it will help build relationships with young people, when you will no longer be around, - the Pythagorean theorem? *** Temperament does not change, we do not hurry up the time, we do not forbid feeling. The *** Trying to change the behavior of the child, due simply to the age or the moment, is like fighting the snowdrifts in the winter. Why can not we just wait? Why break into the door, which is still closed and which itself in due time will certainly open? *** The skill to read in four years to the child absolutely to what. There is no need for him at that age to receive information from the text. He needs a lively conversation, a fairy tale told or read by his mother, father, grandfather. And there are not so many texts interesting and accessible to the four-year-olds. As a result, children who were taught to read in four years (having spent a break in the strength and time), and children who were taught at seven (for a couple of weeks), to eight years of reading the same way. Do not distinguish, psychologists specifically checked. The question arises - why try so hard? Just to be proud for a couple of years that "mine is already, but yours is still"? *** Do not raise children. Educate yourself, and the children will copy you. *** The formula "If you do not immediately accustom your child (you'll break it off), it will always be so" - one of the most harmful in education.It does not need to be accustomed to the hands - he does not get down from them afterwards.It must be immediately accustomed to accuracy, otherwise it will always be dirty You do not need to accustom yourself to sleep with your mother, or you will never want to go to your bed. You need to immediately learn to do everything yourself, but how will he go to the army? This approach implies looking at the child as a jar with a lid, where to put it, so It will remain there, for all the obvious absurdity this view of and then he will always (to suck a finger, to sob in a toy store, forget to make lessons, watch cartoons, pour a jelly on yourself - it's necessary to emphasize that!)! " This is generally an interesting course of thought. Maybe, then you should not transfer the child by the hand across the road? We must immediately accustom ourselves to independence! Let him go himself! Wild idea, right? After all, it is obvious that you first need to lead the child by the hand for a long time, for years, gradually explaining the rules of the movement to him, then for some time to cross the street with him, next, then look out the window as he passes, then ask him to call , that reached the school safely. And only to the teenage age entrust this process completely to him. And of course he can perfectly cross the street at twelve, although in two could not. It is obvious! However, in other areas for some reason it is not obvious. Why can not we just wait? Why break into the door, which is still closed and which itself in due time will certainly open? The reason is just this fear. "If you immediately (do not) accustom, then ..." Strange confidence of adults that they are the children they bring up and form, and we must all provide. Let's somehow cope with this megalomania. Children grow and develop simply because they are children. No child will hold on to behavior due to age or situation, longer than it needs to *** If you do not understand a person, you do not feel that the place of the "blind spot" is immediately invaded by stereotypes, labels, projections like "All you guys need only one thing", "All women are hysterical, and you're there," " in an iron grip, otherwise they become insolent "and everything in that kind, after which the conversation continues not with a real person who has some kind of feelings and desires, with a phantom that is reduced to one flat characteristic:" male " , "Hysterical", "insolent" and the like. Agree, to agree in this situation will not be easy. *** Use the game and toys. For example, a child is naughty when he goes to bed. Play in the "daughter-mother on the contrary." Let him be a parent, and you - a child. Be capricious with might and main. Kick, ask to drink and go to the toilet, jump up and laugh. Exaggerate the child's usual behavior. Let him try and so on, persuades, leads arguments. Gradually "make it right", show that you can get pleasure from putting to bed. If the child is afraid to go to the clinic to take tests, play in advance in "a trip to the doctor with a bear". Let the bear (in your performance) be afraid and cry, and the child persuades him, comforts him, explains why it is necessary to take tests. Finally, the bear agreed, and behaved very bravely, and received from the "father" a kiss and an unscheduled march to the carousel. *** Actually, the "spring" can not guess, but ask the child himself. And some children, even quite small ones, can quite clearly answer the question: "Why are you doing this?" Please note: not "Why? (he did not remove it, took someone else's, broke it, rolled up a scandal), it just drives the child into a stupor - how does he know why, namely: "Why?" This may even be a rather strange sounding question, for example: "Why do you have to In the morning before the school does the abdomen hurt? "But you do not have to ask it with a call in your voice, not when you are already angry, but calmly, with interest. You can offer the child the answers: "You know, sometimes children lie, so that they are not thought of badly. Does it happen to you? "Or" Sometimes we really want to complain that we are pityed, but shy and instead begin to pick on and cling to the words. And at you not so? » *** And the most important thing is, of course, the parent and his own state. Psychologists like to give an example of the point from the safety manual: "In case of depressurization of the cabin, first put on the oxygen mask on yourself, then on the child." Because if you can not breathe properly, the child is surely no one and nothing will help. Think, what kind of activities you are recovering? A bath, a walk, a meeting with friends, guidance of beauty, felting with a book, tea drinking with a spouse? Everything that personally helps you to relax and relax must be present in your life regularly. Not on the residual principle, "when it will work out," but absolutely necessarily, "like a bayonet."
